I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Life is so much better after having sex.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
