Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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