my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
