During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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