Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
