Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
