bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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