Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
