Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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