toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
