I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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