dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
