why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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