Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
