the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
