First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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