oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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