On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
