you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
