My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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