I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
