My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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