I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
