So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
