I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
