Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
