I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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