I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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