there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
