just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
