There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
