Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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