it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
