nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
