It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
