They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The uberlube is also flammable
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
