bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
