I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me