I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
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It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sorry about my life...