How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.