xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
