Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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