Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
