I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
