He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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