I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
