our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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