Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
