Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
you made out with another girl for some wings
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
