Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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