Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
