I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
