I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
