I want to make a zoo with you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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