Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
