well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are the jesus of drinking
How does one acquire holy water?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
