Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
