did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
