U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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