Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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