you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
