How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
