They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
